2. The grieving process = a process of change!
Our problems force us to a higher development of our
consciousness, to a deeper understanding. As a result, we can grow into a
stronger, more sensitive and more conscious human being.
Self-realization:
It's about becoming who you want to be in your life.
You are the director of your
own life. You decide which roles you play in this life!!
(Your grieving process is one of
the most sacred (healing) experiences you can have as a human being. It will
increase your understanding of the mystery of life, of death and of
resurrection. Appreciate this. (You may feel like the deceased is with you.)
There is a connection between very negative feelings and
unreasonable thoughts! For example: The thoughts "Life doesn't make sense
anymore", or "I will never be happy again, find a partner" are
unreasonable. With that, you start living according to a certain
thought/statement. Do you recognize that? You
don't know what your life will look like in five years.
Find out where those thoughts come from. Take your time with
this……….
Try to turn negative thoughts
into more positive thinking; As a result, your feelings and your physical
reactions will also change.
Every grieving process is unique. There is no such thing as
an ideal grieving process. Also not a standard duration. Or a number of phases
that the grieving person has to go through. You do it your way. For some, it's
like a closed chapter and a page is turned. And someone else throws him/herself
into his/her work and tries to suppress his/her feelings.
We can't solve the problem in a mental way.
We don't have to do it alone, but we have to do it ourselves!
The duration of the grieving process depends on the
processing of previous losses, and your personality (character). It may take
you years to accept that someone has disappeared from your life forever.
Do not avoid others (for support, attention, a hug), but
don't listen to people who tell you how you should feel and how long you can or
'should' grieve.
There are five mourning
tasks:
1. Share your feelings with
others: When you express your feelings instead of hiding them, they may
literally come out and they don’t get stuck. Or express yourself in a different
way: write down your thoughts, or a goodbye letter, whatever you still wanted
to say, paint, make music, sing, be creative.......
With this, you create order in the chaos of your thoughts
and feelings that are shooting back and forth.
2. Acknowledging your loss /
accepting reality / accepting what happened to you
When your heart breaks, your defense mechanisms like denial
or repression don't work well. Acknowledge your feelings
of GUILT: the thought 'if only we .......; for example, if you had
gone to the doctor earlier, .....'
Forgiveness can alleviate a lot of suffering at this point.
YOU MADE THE BEST POSSIBLE DECISIONS UNDER THE
CIRCUMSTANCES. You cannot do it 'better' again! Accept the facts as they are.
You are not responsible for what happened (who lives or dies).
Acknowledge your ANGER:
You can are very angry with everything and everyone! Tell them about it, then
it can come loose. Try to give up your negative thoughts, they will only make
you more depressed. And experience the love you share with others.
Take courage, because life, your life, is a gift. Hang up a spell that appeals to you.
Sometimes we have to take life as it comes. You cannot
always bend it to your will.
The feeling of missing could continue for years!
You start to realize that your loved one has really died: no
longer lay the table for two, three or four; You think you see your beloved
walking somewhere, until you find out that you this isn’t at all. Your social
life changes: you are no longer invited to a card game, because the fourth
person is missing.
Acknowledge your (heart) pain as a reaction: that's part of
it.
Realize how your whole life has changed (take your damage:
in addition to the big cracks, also the many small cracks).
SELF-HELP:
(Grab your notebook again)
· Make a daily
schedule: It is important that you keep the structure that you had before. Your
work/activities, and that you don't get isolated. This allows you to keep a
grip on the events of the day.
· Eat and drink
well.
· Take exercise.
· Do not avoid
spots.
· It's okày to be
sad.
· When you are
feeling down, think of a roller coaster, you also go up again in a wave motion.
. Use positive
affirmations (e.g. I feel better every day) Hang them on the toilet door,
mirror, dashboard of your car.·
. There are meditation booklets for every day.
· Write down every
day what went well, what was positive (diary).
· Write down what has
happened in the past year, especially the good things, and how YOU are doing!
· Ground yourself,
with roots or sunlight deep into the earth. So you don't feel airy-fairy.
· What else do you
have worries about? …….
Insights
Make a list of your thoughts that you have in a day.
On the left, you place the positive thoughts together. On
the right, you line up your negative thoughts.
++ - -
What do you see: Do you notice the amount of a certain side?.......
Which of these thoughts would you like to correct? .…….
What is your damage at thís
moment? (Write it down in your notebook)........
3. Recognizing feelings such
as sadness
Living through your pain and sorrow: Because no one likes to
feel pain or sadness, this task is sometimes avoided. Grief is denied, thoughts
are avoided. Sometimes the grief is not so intense (e.g. when an older person
loses one of his/her very old and seriously ill parents).
You are redesigning your life, you are going to create a new
order and meaning.
Your daily activities: how do you organize them, with whom
(care, transport, social network) do you have daily, weekly, monthly contact),
what initiatives do you undertake yourself. Make a
list of resources…….
You will face and process problematic feelings.
You take stock of what has been good; and what can no longer
be repaired……..
Do a forgiveness meditation (to the other person, ask the
other person in your mind to forgive you, and finally forgive yourself for all
the bad feelings that have happened to you: you can clean them up at any time
that suits you, and don't have to keep walking around with them). (see also further
in this chapter)
Ask yourself the following questions (and write them down
for re-reading)…….
1. What would you like to happen to you?.......
2. What do you need?.......
3. Where can you get that?.......
4. Exploring – giving the deceased
a place within the family and adapting to a new life in which the deceased is
no longer present
If that helps you heal yourself: Light a candle or place a
flower next to a photo of your loved one.
Looking at pictures, (flowers on the grave)
Remembering the birthday and anniversary of your dearly
departed. Plan in advance what you want to do on that day. Make it a day with
as little tension as possible. What was his/her favorite food?
Remembrances: What do you miss,
what do you not miss?.......
5. Connecting – giving the
deceased a place emotionally and
entering into new relationships
You're going to give your grief a place; The relationship
with your deceased husband/wife takes on a different character. Be grateful for
what you had together……
You will learn to take your mind off things or do something
new. In doing so, you consciously change your less pleasant feelings into
happier experiences……..
There is a void, a gift from the deceased to you, that you
can fill, you can do something with it. Life goes on: you start establishing
other, new relationships that match your new situation.
You are going to adapt yourself to a new identity and walk a
different path in life.
You can experience the mourning period as a labyrinth: The
road is unknown, the exit hard to find, you regularly walk with your head
against a wall and you come to places where you have already been and where
your suffering has to be overcome. Trust yourself (you can do it, you want to
do it, and you do it), and suddenly you see the exit looming in front of you.
Assignment:
1. Tell your story over and over again.
2. Reminisce together.
3. Look together at photos of your deceased.
4. Mention the name of your deceased.
5. Visit important spots with friends.
6. Express your feelings; And if no one is around you, write
your feelings down.
7. Let friends or acquaintances know if you need their support
or help!
8. Write down what happened to you in the present tense…….;
and write it down in the past tense for a while after that…….
There are three phases in which you can end up in different ways:
a) Denial / protest (by denial you can allow death step by
step); Indignation, shock, numbness, intoxication, a lot of crying (don't let
this stop you particularly).
b) Despair (maybe six months after death. Is the most
difficult phase for many people):
The sympathy begins to fade.
You may feel abandoned, lonely,
meaningless, anxious, angry, guilty, regretful, bitter.
This depression makes you realize
that the separation is final;
Life goes on, but you're not
doing well yet.
c) Loosening – the fog lifts......
It feels like a roller coaster
ride in the dark, or like a tidal wave. Over time, the waves become less high.
One moment you're at the top, the next you're in a deep valley. Pain in your
chest. You are torn apart from the other. Your feelings are all over the place
(you feel sad, furious or anxious, guilty by turn).
This is a period of active
mourning, which can last for a long time. We say goodbye during all our lives:
when you are born, you are separated from your mother; Your schoolteacher, your
youth, your parents, your home, your lovers, your deceased pet, the seasons.
Any change can be seen as a loss.
Life
= change.
Slowly you come to terms with
your situation, is there acceptance and hope.......
Then you can think back to the deceased with
affection (not just see the ideal image)
What
were his/her good sides; AND what were
the less good sides? (Notebook)
Self-help:
1. Forgive (in your mind) people who want to comfort you but
increase your pain.
2. Forgive yourself when you are disappointed in others,
even if it is your beloved deceased.
3. Keep a diary, what keeps you busy, (letter/poems/drawing/making a collage).
4. Talk to a close friend about the person you've lost.
5. Do you ever dream; What are those dreams about? Write
down your dreams. These tell a lot about yourself and possibly about the
deceased.
6. Wear a piece of clothing or jewelry belonging to the
deceased.
7. Place a photo of the deceased. Talk to the deceased by
looking at the photo. Tell her/him how you feel and how you miss him/her.
8. Light a candle. Pray for and with the deceased. Your love
forges a spiritual bond that transcends distance. (He/she is just one
thought away!)
9. Find fellow sufferers you can talk to (who have overcome
this grieving process).
10. Read about loss processing on the internet, bookS for
extra help; MIND correlation 0900 1450
for extra advice and information on psychological and social challenges.
Don't be too quick to make important decisions (dismissal,
divorce): sometimes you feel the need to get away from everything that reminds
you of death. Don't give away possessions too quickly. Your inner balance must
first be regained.
Mourning work can make you 'exhausted', empty. How's that
for you? (Do you get your rest, go to bed on time, or relax for an hour at
lunchtime)
However, it is advisable to learn to deal with the loss and
other unpleasant feelings, in order to be able to take a new path in life. Take
time for yourself to reflect and find a new balance at your own pace.
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